Monday, December 22, 2008

All cried out

I woke up this morning and did my usual stretching before I get out of the bed; strolled down the stairs to get my coffee and sat down at the kitchen table to meditate for awhile. As I sat there listening to my many clocks tick away I got this overwhelming urge to just cry. It got the better of me and I just let it all come out; like someone had turned on a sprinkler the tears just streamed down my face. Why did I feel like crying you might ask? Well, there are actually many reasons.

a) This is the first year both my girls are out of the house. I miss them being in their bedrooms, messing up the kitchen, piles of laundry spewing out of the laundry room. I miss them calling me and asking me whats for dinner tonight? I miss them writing on the Wal-Mart list....they always had a gazillion things they and non-food items! I just miss having children in this home. This is the first year with adults and it feels so weird. I'm just thankful to have my girls fairly close by. I'm thankful that they are healthy and that I have the most amazing relationship with the both of them!

b) This is the 3rd Christmas without my Dad. He passed in September of 06' and I miss him so very much!! On Christmas Eve we always have a big gathering at Dad & Mom's house. He loved to give presents and we loved to give him goofy ones. I once gave him this shirt that said something like "I'm just an Old Fart" he loved that shirt (mom hated it) and he wore that thing until it was thin and had holes in it!! Dad always acted goofy with the grandchildren. He always took my hand and danced with me on Christmas Eve and New Years also. I miss dancing with him! I miss seeing him and my mom dance together! They use to win dance contest all the time. They were awesome swing dancers!!!

c) My brother, Herbie. He has been gone 16 years. I still miss him everyday!! Herbie was a personal shopper at Bloomingdales in New York City. He shopped for Cindy Lauper and Brooke Shields and do you remember Mag from the old Palmolive commercials? well, he shopped for her too, just to name a few. He was a very good looking man....he looked just like George Micheal! Really, people use to mistake him for George. He was an amazing person....he always loved you no matter what. The summer I was 15 I lived in New York with him and was treated like a princess. I had so many clothes and shoes bought for me that year it was insane. Herbie wanted me to fulfill my dream of being a model so I was taken on a photo shoot and went to Ford Modeling Agency where I was told to come back next year when I turned 16. They loved my look but said I was still a bit to young. Well, the next year I got pregnant with Meg so my dream went out the window. I remember Herbie telling me it was OK that I was probably meant to just be a mom! :) He loved me no matter what!

So I think I am all cried out now. My eyes are all puffy and I have a red nose from blowing my nose so much. I guess it's perfect for the season though and now John will call me Rudolph all day!


Betty said...

Awww! I´m so sorry Betty! But I know the feeling. I´m just home from bringing my daughter to the airport... Now we are childless this Christmas and it´s the pit´s!! I had my "cry day" last week too. It´s good to let it all out.
I hope you feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

awww i hope you feel better soon! it is hard being without the ones you love! with Sidnei being so far away, it just makes christmas so hard...and honestly i am trying to enjoy the holidays as much as possible, but in everything i do there is a huge void there.

This will be the third christmas without my granpa...i miss him terribly. Get togethers on xmas eve aren't the same at Granma's anymore :(

I know we need to celebrate the love that we have and the love we have to come, and I do, but we also deserve a little cry too :)

Merry christmas friend

Tori said...

haha you know he will call you rudolph all day.
you know i miss being home, too. all the time.
this house isn't home like yours is for me...
which is why i can't wait for tomorrow!
love you.
enjoy your day with dad!

momto1 said...

This post made me teary--I've never met your family, but feel like I know you so well already through your amazing posts. The stories you've shared about your father are so sweet. I can picture what fun holidays you all had together.

I don't remember reading about your brother much before. He sounds like he was a very cool person and a very sweet big brother. And he was very, very wise: you seem like you were born to be a mom to Tori and Meg, who will one day each try to be the best mom they can be, just like you were and are to them. I cherish the friendship I have with my mother; and as a mom myself, can truly appreciate all that she went through raising my sisters and I.

Hope you used Puffs Plus!

Susie said...

This time of year is really hard for a lot of people and I am sorry to hear that the holiday blues have hit you:-) I hope you feel better soon and can really enjoy Christmas:-)

Becky said...

I'm so sorry.

Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out.

Your dad and brother you will see again though:) And you have got one of the best relationships ever with your girls. That is so cool. You are so blessed. Good crys are necessary sometimes.

Joy in the Burbs... said...

Now my eyes are all wet.
I have 2 daughters too and my oldest just brought down a mountain of dirty clothes and dumped it in my laundry room. So I guess I should realize that I will miss that one day.
Glad you had a good cry. Sometimes it's just plain necessary.
Feel better and give your
girls a squeeze from your bloggy friends.


Julie said...

your girls love you so much and I know miss there mom! Tori already said so...

I am so impressed your brother shopped for Cyndi L. how cool! What a great brother to support you!

It is a blessing how much your family loves you and you love them. Merry Christmas

angi_b72 said...

It si so hard especially at Holidays, remembering your loved one taht you have lost! I too get all emotional at Mass on Christmas Eve! I too miss my grandparents everyday!! I bet you felt better after yoru cry though didn't you? You just needed to get it all out!

Melody said...

I hope that you are feeling better by now. I'm sorry. It is hard to have people move on, isn't it? I hope that you can find the joy in all of it somehow, though.

lessofme2love1976 said...

Sometimes you just have to get it all out... I know I do! Sounds like you have a great family - both the ones that are still with you and those that have passed on! What great memories you have to treasure!

April said...

Betty, my heart just broke when I read your post today! I know all too soon that I will be an empty nester, like you. I don't look forward to it, one bit, but I trust that God has some great things planned for me when it happens. I know how hard it is to lose a brother that you're close to. Mine died at the age of 47 back in 2004. We were like best friends and his passing has left a huge void in my life. I'm so very sorry for your loss and I do understand. My dad passed away in 2006; my mom in 2000, so both of my parents are gone. It's so hard when you lose them because life is never quite the same, again. Just be grateful for all the wonderful times you spent together...that's something you'll always have.

I'll be praying for you, my sweet friend. I'm guessing your girls will be coming home soon...oh, happy day!!! Have lots of fun with them and relish in every single moment. Merry Christmas!!!

Aubrey said... a little holiday blues. *hugs* Your father and brother sound like wonderful men. I can see why you miss them so much especially around this time.

Heather said...

I guess it's all the memories of holidays past that make this time of year so hard when you are missing loved ones.

We used to tease my dad about being a scrooge, but he was the one I always watched "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Story" with. I hate that he's missing all these Christmases with us and his new grandbabies that he hasn't even met yet.

A good cry does help. As do bloggy friends who you know you can always lean on.

Thanks for writing such an open and honest post. I felt like I was reading a letter from a dear friend.

WheresMyAngels said...

Oh girl, that is so sad. So many losses.

But you have alot of gains also.

I got my father a shirt this year with a donkey laying on a beach and it says "My ASS is retired" My mom is not happy about it either. Hoping my father will wear it. I did tell him that Ass is in the bible!! lol

I loved the story about your brother, you will have to post some photo's. Sorry he is no longer here.

You don't need to be a model for people to know you are beautiful, we would know that without seeing your photo's!

Much love and have a Merry Christmas.

heathersister said...

Ah, God luv ya. I am already sad just thinking about my baby girl being gone one day soon. She will be a senior next year and I know it won't be long.

Glad we are a shoulder for you to cry on.